


Y'all Ain't Got NOTHIN' On the Enterprise

by dammitjimimadoctor



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: CMO Convention, Crack, Gen, Humor, Life in sickbay, Life on the Enterprise, M/M, Mild slash, Rated for Language Because Bones
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-02 23:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5267174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dammitjimimadoctor/pseuds/dammitjimimadoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was that time of year. When Leonard felt like he would never be happy again. When he wanted to sink to the ground and sob just to get away from it all. When he felt like his very soul was being drained from his body.</p><p>It was time for the annual Starfleet Medical Team-Building Weekend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And It Starts...

It was that time of year. When Leonard felt like he would never be happy again. When he wanted to sink to the ground and sob just to get away from it all. When he felt like his very soul was being drained from his body.

 

It was time for the annual Starfleet Medical Team-Building Weekend.

 

Which was ridiculous, because only the Chief Medical Officers from each ship were forced to go, and it’s not like they ever had to WORK together.  Of all the asinine things Starfleet required from its CMOs, this was right at the top of the list.  Right above baby-sitting idiot captains who refused to come down for their REQUIRED quarterly physicals until threatened to be removed from command. (“I’m the Captain, Bones. I’m busy doing Captain-y things! I don’t have TIME to be poked and prodded by you.  Well, not while I’m on duty, at any rate.” “Oh, grow up, you horny infant.” “Why, Bones! I didn’t know you liked that- okay, shutting up now.”)

 

And so here they were, forced to sit in a circle like an alcoholic bunch of 5th graders. (Starfleet didn’t dare ban alcohol from these events.  The CMOs would go on strike en masse).

 

 


	2. Most Memorable Mission

“Hello, everyone!”  The Starfleet HR rep was disgustingly awake at eight in the morning.  Len took another swig of coffee.

Well, coffee with some bourbon.  (Len can almost *hear* Jim in the back of his mind, face grinning mischievously: "C'mon, Bones, at least be honest with _yourself_ about your alcoholism")

_DammitJim **FINE**_.  Half coffee, half bourbon.   _Satisfied?_

Besides, Leonard had a feeling that he was going to need it.

“First, thank you  **_so much_ ** for joining me today!”  Never mind that they were literally ordered to be here.  Sure, let’s pretend there was some modicum of choice involved.  Why not.

“Second, I would like for all of us to get to know each other a little better, so let’s start with an icebreaker!”

An icebreaker? Really? 

These were his  _ colleagues _ , dammit.  He had worked with most of them at one point or another before signing on to the Enterprise, and he was familiar with all of their work and individual research, and so what did it matter what Philip Boyce’s favorite color was? (Yellow. Not that  _ anyone _ in their right mind would care.)

“Now, for a bit of fun, we’ll all go around saying a bit about our ships!”

What is this  **_we_ ** ?  Is this the royal we, or is there some lifeform Len was unaware of that appears human but is actually two separate consciousnesses inhabiting one body?

(Well, okay, to be fair, that  **_is_ ** a perfectly reasonable explanation. IDIC and all that.)

“What is your most memorable away mission?!” Jesus, even her questions ended in exclamations.  Lapinsky was sitting immediately to her left, the poor bastard, so he had the dubious honor of going first.

Lapinsky took a drink of his own cup of (probably mostly) coffee.  “Well, I remember this one planet.  The natives were split into two main camps, about to go to war over access to this one plant, and I had gone down with the landing party to help figure out why the plant was actually important.  Turns out that they used the plant to treat a common childhood disease.  We helped with the peace talks, helped set up the communication and supply lines again, and they were so grateful they threw us a huge party.”

The other doctors all nodded.  Leonard had certainly been in similar situations before.

“Yeah, there was a feast and everything!”

Shino, the next doctor on the chopping block, spoke up.  “ **We** were exploring the gamma quadrant and found an uncharted planet.  The landing party went down to do a geological survey, and it turned out to be a paradise planet!  Beautiful beaches, gorgeous flowers, a clear purple sky.”

Len snorted. “Yeah, I’ll bet.”

Shino glanced at Leonard, briefly confused.  “It was  **_amazing_ ** .”

Wait. That’s  **_it_ ** ? 

No malevolent aliens?  

No traps? 

No problems?

And yet, there were the rest of the CMOs, all nodding their heads.  Like it was normal to find beautiful planets that WEREN’T out to kill them.

“Dr McCoy? You’re next!”

“Most memorable, huh,” Len drawled, shrugging off his previous thoughts while trying to decide which story to tell.  “Well, there was this one time, we were doing a planetary survey on a planet chock full o’ plants with possible medical uses.  According to previous Starfleet explorations, the planet was uninhabited.  According to current Starfleet intel, the planet was uninhabited.  According to ship’s sensors, the planet was uninhabited.  And, last but certainly not least, according to a certain green-blooded First Officer, the planet was  _ uninhabited _ .  So Jim, Spock, Sulu, and I all decided to beam down.  And do you know what we found on this  **_uninhabited_ ** planet?”

The quintessential story teller, Leonard paused for a moment.

“We beamed straight into a circle of humanoid warriors.  Who, according to Starfleet surveys and sensors,  _ shouldn’t even have existed _ .”

Kydra, the newest of the CMOs (just a kid, really) chimes in with “Oh, that is so cool!  You guys got to make first contact!”

The circle of CMOs was once more filled with grins and nodding heads; first contacts were usually incredibly rewarding experiences.  Kydra started to talk about *her* most memorable mission and Leonard, unwilling to interrupt the young woman, let the matter drop.  Clearly they thought that was the end of the story.

  
Damn, that had been a sticky situation.  Roasted meats just hadn’t had the same appeal for him since.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated, as usual, for language. Because Bones.

Leonard, God help him, was actually beginning to enjoy himself.

Although, come to think of it, that could just be the bourbon.

“Oh man, I have one- most ridiculous minor injury!  I had this one klutz who got a mild concussion from walking into a rail in engineering!”

“That’s nothing!  My First Officer _ himself _ tripped on an away mission and fell onto some kind of cactus thing- it took  _ forever _ to pull all of those prickly needles out!”

Finally.  A **_roomful_ ** of people who would listen to him rant about his idiot of a captain.  Leonard was about 2 shots (*ahem* cups of _ “coffee” _ )  away from rubbing his hands together and cackling with glee.

“Y’all will  _ love _ this one.  My idiot captain managed to cut his finger off fencing.   **_On his own_ ** .”

Silence.

“ **_Lieutenant Commander McCoy_ ** !  You will refer to your superior officer with the respect that his position deserves!”

Jeez.  From the HR rep’s scandalized tone, you’d think he had just admitted to shooting puppies or something.  Good Lord, this was  **_Jim_ ** they were talking about- kid was practically a puppy himself, with his big eyes and expressive face (and as a matter of fact, there *was* that one transporter incident that Jim had made them all swear to never ever ever bring up again. Ever).

Len snorted into his “coffee” as he took another swig, and the conversation, thankfully, seemed to pick back up again.  “Oh! I remember this one guy…”

__________________________________________________

It was three o’clock when Leonard McCoy ran out of bourbon. Things went downhill from there.  

“Okay, next question!”

Jesus, not another one. It felt like Len had been sitting here for hours, answering questions on topics ranging from one thing patients do that drive him crazy (“ _ Sneak out of my damn Sickbay before I release them _ ”), the part of his personality that brings the most value to the world (“ _ My excellent goddamn bedside manner, and don’t you dare listen to anyone who says otherwise _ ”), what he considers his biggest medical achievement (“ _ Developing a method for spinal nerve grafts _ ” since he can’t talk about, you know, bringing his captain back from the freaking dead), and where he sees himself in ten years (Picturing himself running after Jim, being chased by alien savages, was enough to make him down the rest of his bourbon right then and there).

“Doctors, the CMO is responsible for both the physical AND mental well being of the crew- do you feel like you know all of your crewman well?”

Kydra chimed in, somewhat timidly.  “Well, I see them all during physicals, of course, but I only know well the ones with preexisting conditions that I have to see more often.”

Shino nodded in agreement.  “My sickbay is usually pretty quiet, so I know my own staff really well, but I rarely interact with the command team unless there’s a major injury, which thankfully doesn’t happen very often.”

Len’s turn. “Well, sure,” he drawled “Pretty much everyone ends up in my Sickbay sooner or later, whether it’s a new disease or an engineering mishap.  I know everyone well, really, except for the redshirts of course.”

He looked around the circle, to faces in varying stages of confusion.  (In fact, just like after pretty much every other question he’s answered.  There’s definitely a pattern going on…)

Lapinsky finally spoke up. “The...what?”

“The redshirts, man!  Ops and security!  You know, the reason why the ship has such a high turnover rate?!”

...

“Uh… no.”

...

Huh.

 

The CMOs all sat in silence for a few (unbelievably long) seconds, and then Ms HR clapped her hands together.

 

“Okay, everyone! Let’s do some trust falls!”

 

Oh, Lord.

**Author's Note:**

> So, a few years back, I read a fic about Leonard McCoy going to a convention-type event with all of the other Chief Medical Officers from all of the other ships, and everyone trying to "one-up" the others with crazy ship/crew stories. All of which Bones is completely unimpressed by, since regular crazy and Enterprise crazy are apparently two very different things.
> 
> Problem is, I can't find it ANYWHERE, and so I decided to write my own. I'm about 95% certain I didn't just dream the whole thing, so PLEASE, if you know what fic I'm talking about, let me know so I can credit it properly!


End file.
